#28

YOUTH IS WASTED ON THE YOUNG

Part II 

    In a sleepy voice my dad quietly let out a whispered "Yeah". I turned the door knob and crawled into my parents room. Seeing me crawl in, my dad let out a light chuckle and asked “what the hell are you doing?” The only answer I could manage at the time was “I think I have a problem.” My father being the smart ass he is, and where I get my sarcasm from replied with “yeah you do.” Hearing my voice, Shelby jumped up and circled me giving me kisses and stopping only long enough to scratch, stretch and give a big morning shake. Her dog tags clinked against each other and her collar... Waking "It" up.

  

    My mom sat straight up peering over the edge of her bed to see me crawling around her bedroom floor and trying to dodge the dogs kisses. It was the moment of truth, how much trouble was I going to be in.  Staring at me confused and puzzled  my mom rubbed her eyes and barked “what are you doing what’s wrong with you?” Again I replied with, I think I have a problem. “What kind of problem, what are you talking about?” I gave her the short version and told her I fell and twisted my foot and now it looks like theres a tennis ball sticking out the side of my ankle. As always my mother thought I was over reacting and started to go off on one of her verbal combats. Lucky for me my dad jumped in telling her to relax, be calm, be nice and that there were people still sleeping. 

Derek and Renate, "The people still sleeping"

   

   My dad was trying his best to defuse the situation so he got out of bed and came over to where I was sitting on the floor now crying and trying to tell my mom it wasn’t my fault. I Love my father but I'm not sure what he thought he was going to accomplish by coming to look at my ankle My father is a jack of all trades, I don't think there are a lot of things my dad can't figure out but in a medical situation... My father is worse then useless. Either way I stretched out my leg holing it high in the air with my hands, waiting for my dad to come over and inspect my ankle. As he walked over to me doing up his housecoat he quickly did a 180 and went straight back to his seat on the bed, telling my mom “You better go look at that.” Huffing and puffing my mom got out of bed came over and looked at my ankle. That's when all hell broke lose. I won’t tell you exactly what was said at this point, but my mother was very displeased with my injury. At that moment Mel Gibson's rants had nothing on my mother's words.

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    I don’t remember everything that had happened between my parents bedroom and their kitchen but I do remember lots of “quite yelling” (to not wake up our company) and my dad pulling my chair out for me. The three of us sat in the kitchen, me in tears trying to plead my case that it wasn’t my fault. Finally my parents decided that we should seek some sort of medical attention. I’m not sure if it was me crying and saying it hurt or the colour purple that my foot was turning, maybe it was the ankle that looked like there was a tennis ball sticking out of the bone. Either way I was happy that I was going to go to the ER and be out of this pain soon. (And out of my moms kitchen.)

    

   So after a long debate, the ruling was that my dad was going to take me to the hospital and my mom would stay back and wait for the company to get up and then she would cook them this important breakfast. I still don’t know what upset my mom more, that I had hurt myself or that I was going to put a crimp in  her plans of entertaining. Either way my mom left the kitchen still bitching about how irresponsible I was and returned with the big yellow phone book. She started flipping though the pages still yelling at me and stopping only long enough to lick her finger to get a better grip on the pages as she flipped angrily to the page she was looking for.

   

   My mother picked up the phone dialed the number hitting the phone keys so hard you would have thought she was playing whack ‘a’ mole at a carnival. My dad came back in the kitchen just in time to hear the last of her angered rant. Finally the yelling had stopped and my mothers voice had turned sweet and innocent sounding.  

Whack a mole

   What happened next is no exaggeration, I promise you this really happened. I know most of you won’t believe what I’m about to say, but IF you know my mother you just might believe me.

The look I get when my father is not amused with me.

   “ Hi there" she spoke into the receiver calm and collected, whoever was on the other end of that phone had no clue she had just spent the last 30 minutes yelling at her daughter. “My daughter seems to have tripped a little and she says her ankle hurts now.” She paused obviously listening to the person on the other end of the phone. “Yeah I would say it’s a little blue.” She paused again. “it might be a little swollen.” Pause once again. “No I don’t think it’s broken, she’s not crying that much.” Again she waited.  Then replied with “Well my reason for calling, I’m wondering how long the wait for her to see a doctor is.” Pause. “Well I have company from out of town, could I make some sort of a reservation for her?” My mom was pretty quite after that letting out a few yeahs and OKs. My dad and I sat at the kitchen table listening to my moms conversation with the ER nurse. We paused and looked at each other with disbelief, Did my mother really just call the emergency room to make a reservation? 

Short answer… yep! 

Hello, Emergency Room Reservations

   My mom finished her phone call and hung up, she looked at my father and I and started barking orders. My dad was to take me to the hospital RIGHT NOW, it was still early in the morning and as far as she had been told the ER is slow right now so they could probably see me right away. And then she went on with how displeased she was that they wouldn't make a reservation for her. 

   Off to the hospital my dad and I went, He pulled up to the door with the big white letters that said Emergency. He jumped out of the truck and opened my door, He watched as I did my best to jump down. I slammed the truck door behind me and started talking to my dad about how on earth I was going to get into the ER through the rotating doors. When I didn't hear a response from my father I turned around just in time to see him speeding off. Well at least I know where they live I thought.

   He was only going to park the car but at that moment he mine as well have dropped me off on a deserted island. (I'm sure that thought went though my mother's head that day) Luckily a nurse with a wheelchair came out, just in time for my him to get back.  My dad pushed me around from the nurses station to the X-ray and back down to my room outside of the ER, but not before making race car sounds and wheeling me around tight corners like a F-1 race and hitting my sore ankle on the corner of a wall.

    

   I’m not sure if it was because it was my birthday or if it was because all the staff in the ER had heard about my mother calling in for reservations but either way I was seen pretty fast. The doctor came in and told us that it wasn’t broken but I did pull and tare the ligaments, It was going to be pretty painful for a few weeks and I should stay off it as much as possible and it would heal just fine. The doctor wrapped it up with a bandage and gave me instructions about icing and elevating my foot. He finished by telling me he would get me some crutches and that he would be right back. Before I could say anything my dad piped up saying that crutches weren’t necessary and that I didn’t need them.

I was never able to climb that mountain at sunset because i didn't have crutches.

   So off we went heading home, my dad excited for his great breakfast and me hopping around on one leg with no crutches. When we pulled into the driveway my dad got out of the truck pressed the lock button on his key starter and went inside. Again I found myself trying to get from the front yard into the front door.

   Luckily we made it just in time for breakfast. My parents friends joked around and asked how my birthday was knowing well what I had just been though. And probably hearing my mother “quietly yelling” at me about how she had company and her breakfast was going to be destroyed.

   This is the true story of my 21^st birthday, and how I learned not to mess with a woman’s meal when she's entertaining. 

   So yes, I had embarrassed my family yet again bringing shame to their good name. Even though this is how my mother dances, and this was a picture of  my sister at her engagement party ***Picture had to be removed due to ... well my mom yelling at me *** But it was a pic of my sister passed out drunk, This is what my dad does for amusement when my mom falls asleep in public places. The family dog had major anxiety issues and often dropped deuces (Dropped deuces = pooped) in peoples shoes and public places while running, That's right WHILE running. She would run though petsmart scared of having her nails clipped, and poop in each isle till she reached the front door.  It was great getting her groomed! Finally petsmart decided that Shelby could only come in if she was on "Express". Meaning she went straight into the bath and then straight out of their store.

  

But I am the embarrassing one in our family. Just a little something to think about. Hummmmm!

yep, you go girl!

Cover your face from embarrassment if you fell asleep and your husband is dressing you up in cat costumes! 

Did i forget to mention that sometimes she would slip in "it" and keep running!

THE END!

#29

POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER

 

   The other night Dan and I were at Costco returning some dog food that had been recalled. Props to the fine men and women and Costco for being on top of it and calling to let us know we had purchased a bad bag of dog food. Anyways As I was paying for our things Dan was waiting in line to get his $1.99 hot dog and soda. Dan walked over to me looking like a waiter on his first day, caring his large soda, hot dog and a poutine. We started our long walk though the parking lot towards our car, finally finding it in row Q 34. We loaded our things in the trunk and Dan went to return the cart, telling me “here watch my food” as he put it on the roof of the car. I’m not sure if you know Dan but I have always said that if Dan was a dog he would be put down for food aggression. 

   I took a sip of the soda, mmm diet coke no ice my favorite (tip: the pop machines are refrigerated, so your pop is already cold, the ice is just taking up room that could be filled yummy diet coke instead.) As I basked in the sunshine I was in my own little world, totally oblivious to anything around me, I didn’t even notice the car sitting idle with their turn single on waiting to take my parting spot. 

   I had one more sip of the pop and bent over to put it in the cup holder in the car. And that’s when it happened. A massive gang of seagulls swarmed over my car, squawking and telling their buddies the food was over here and unprotected. I stood up and tried to defend Dan’s hot dog and fries but I just couldn’t. I ducked inside the car and held my hands over my head yelling “I hate bird awwwww!!!” I couldn’t move my feet were like cement, my heart was pounding and I could hear the blood rushing past my ears towards my head.

   I was instantly transformed to a younger age, a simpler time. I was sitting at table at sea world enjoying dinner with my family, relaxing after a long day of walking. Sitting at the picnic table kicking my legs back and forth humming as I enjoyed my yummy French fries salt no ketchup please. A organized gang had spotted me as there victim. They were out to get me, there was no going back, This gang was well known and the government had even sided with them and put a no kill band on this gang. 

   I sat totally unknowing what was about to happen, oblivious to the fact that I was their next victim. In a blink of an eye, a gang of seagulls (not a good flock seagulls from the 80s rock band)

 real seagulls. Had swooped down and were at war for my French fries. I waved my arms and tried to be tough but there was nothing I could do against these organized crime members. They went in for the kill squawking which sounded like “mine, mine” “mine mine” it was terrifying before I knew it, they had picked up the box of French fries and they were out of there. I was left dinner less and terrified.

   I snapped back to reality just in time to see Dan running across the parking lot in slow motion yelling “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!!!!!!!!!!” All he needed were some army fatigues  and it would have been a scene out of Rambo. Finally my night in shining armor was there to protect me from this gang. He was swinging his arms and fighting off birds, yelling at them to shoo. Then he turned on me yelling “What were you doing they were going to eat my food.” So much for MY night in shining armor, he wasn’t running to protect me, he was running and screaming though the Costco parking lot like a lunatic to protect his precious hot dog and fries.

So much for chivalry. 

#30

YOUTH IS WASTED ON THE YOUNG

  

 The other night I had dinner with my parents while I was in town. After dinner we watched some TV show on the home and garden channel (HGTV) the only channel my parents watch. So Bryan Baeumler was on TV building his cottage. On the show he showed up one morning with a big cast on his leg and complaining about how bad it hurt. Long story short he ended up going to the ER the night before because of the pain and learned that he had pulled some ligaments in his ankle. Well that made me think about my 21^st birthday and I thought would share a memory with all of you. 

   The weekend of my 21^st birthday was one to remember. I was living back at home and loved not having to eat Mr. Noodle for breakfast lunch and dinner. My parents being the social butterflies they were, had company down from Windsor. ( Hey Revait’s ) I had made plans with my girlfriends to go out for dinner and hit the bars. Before I left my parents house my mom gave me a lecture about not doing anything stupid because she had company and didn’t want me to embarrass her. So don’t come home drunk and throw up don't bring people home with you or do anything stupid. My response to her was something along the lines of … I’m 21 now, I’m an adult in all countries, I won’t do something stupid, nothing bad is going to happen. Being 21 for all of a day had made me wise. (If I only knew how much growing I still had to do… and still HAVE to do).

  

Me

 I did my make up, teased my hair, made sure my long nails were looking great, I got dressed with a cute low cut top and put on my high heel boots. I was ready to go party! Cheryl my friend who had been at every one of my birthday parties since I was 3, came over and we left for the bars to celebrate!!!! WOOO WHOOOO!!!!!!! 

Cheryl And I One Summer

We met up with Laurie, the other girls and a bunch of Laurie's boyfriends friends to even out the male to female ratio. We danced drank and partied the night away. Before we knew it, Last call was being shouted and it was time to go. Nothing bad had happened, I was`t that drunk, and I was going to be able to keep my promise to my mom and go home with no incidents. 

Me And My Friend Adrian

   When your 21 last call comes quick and most of the time just because the bar closed doesn’t mean the party has to stop. So off to Laurie's boyfriends apartment we all went. He lived in the back of house in the upper apartment, I don`t remember how we got there but I remember walking to the back of this house in the pitch black dark. And then it happened, we were all walking and tripping into the person in front of us and stumbling in the dark. Someone behind me grabbed my ass, I quickly turned and slapped the air not being able to see who was around me. While all this had happened in the blink of an eye, I twisted my ankle. 

Me

   As soon as I twisted my ankle I could feel the pain and I knew I was in trouble. Luckily I had Cheryl and leaned on her as I jumped up the back stairs one legged to the apartment. So long story shorter…. 

Me And Cheryl At A Party One Summer

   Every guy at this party told me not to take my boot off it would make it worse. But I was in pain and I wanted to SEE what I did to my ankle so off my boot came. Stupid me! As soon as I took my boot off my ankle blew up like a balloon. It swelled so much that I couldn't get my boot back on.        

        So what was a girl to do, I had a few more drinks to kill the pain and iced my ankle. Maybe it was because it was my birthday or because I had been drinking, But all I wanted to do was go home and crawl into bed even though everyone said i should go to the ER.

One Of The Few Pics Of Me Drinking

  Cheryl and I jumped into a cab and debated going to the hospital until we realized she had to be at work in 30 minutes so we decided to go straight home. The cab pulled up to my parents house, I jumped out, and fell flat on my face on their front lawn. Thankfully it was 4 a.m and none of the neighbours were up yet. Cheryl raced over to my side laughing so hard that I couldn't quite understand her and she wasn't much help. I told her don`t worry I was fine, she needed to get to work and only had a few minutes to get changed and try and sober up before work. She jumped back in the cab and it sped away. (Maybe this is one of those times you shouldn’t say things to be polite. Like “No I’m OK, I don’t want you to be late for work”.

Cheryl And I One Summer

   So now I was laying on my parents front lawn, alone and contemplating what to do next. Should I take a small nap and hope they find me when they come to get the morning newspaper? Could I get up and walk to the front door? What if I called the dogs name over and over again? Maybe Shelby would come to my rescue! What if I picked up my cell phone and and called the house I could pray that my dad would answer I bet he would come help me … but what if my mom answered or it woke her up…. I would be dead!!!! 

Drinking One Night

   Finally I decided there was nothing I could do but get to the front door on my own. Walking or hopping wasn’t an option, so I threw the handles of my purse in my mouth got on all four and started the shame full crawl to the front door. As I was making the long crawl stooping to cry just a little from the pain, I remember thinking that I really wished my parents didn’t have a stamped concrete drive way. A conversation I would have with my dad later. Finally, birds started chirping and I knew a lot of time had passed, the crawl from the curb to my parents front door had been awful and felt like it took me hours. 

The Morning After Drinking One Night

   After what felt like forever I reached the porch I threw my body up and rolled towards the front door. Finally I had made it, I was almost there and all I had to do was get to my dad without my mom knowing and everything would be fine. My dad is worse then useless in a medical situation but in my drunken stupor I was focused on getting to my dad he always made things better for me. So now I was laying on the threshold of my parents house, I reached up with all my might, put my hand on the door knob and pressed down… It was locked. Every other time I had gone out for a late night the front door was left unlocked so the dog didn’t start barking and wake up the whole house. Every other time but this time. So I sat leaning on the door searching around my purse for my keys praying that I didn’t forget to grab them before I left.

A Birthday At The Bar

   Finally I found my keys, but kneeling up to unlock the door was no easy task. With one hand on the door knob and the other turning the key in the lock, the door flew open with me attached. Trying to be as quite as possible , I let the front door drag me into the house so that it wouldn’t fly open and hit the wall, making noise and waking up the house. As I was holding onto the front door for my life, the glass door slammed shut pinning my bad ankle in the door. My face scrunched up trying not to scream and I let out a whispered "son of a betch."

The Dog Always Slept At The Door

   Thank god, I had made it. My foot was throbbing the alcohol was wearing off, my knees were bruised from crawling over the stamped concrete drive way, and a little sore from throwing myself up on the the porch and being dragged into the house by the front door but I had made it . It was a long night but it was about to be over I had made it home and into the house. Surely my mother couldn’t be made at me now, I wasn’t passed out on the front lawn. Try and explain that to the neighbourhood watch. But now there was another problem. The safety of my house was being comprised. We had company from out of town. Instead of passing out on the mat in the front hallway, I was going to have to come up with a different plan. Otherwise I would never hear the end of it from my mother “We had company and you had to embarrass me by passing out at the front door.” At least it wasn’t the front lawn! But regardless I knew I had to be out of sight when everyone got up. 

Me With A Hangover

   I decided I needed to get to my bedroom. Awe my bedroom, my soft bed, my warm duvet, my comfortable p.j’s everything that was home to me. And I had pain killers somewhere in my bedroom. I turned over onto my bum, my bum, the whole thing that started this pain and never ending night. I put my purse on my lap my right leg in the air and started scooting backwards. Across the smooth tile floor, I made pretty good timing until I hit the stairs. Those stairs, the stairs from hell. I think there was only 6 or 7 stairs I had to get up but it mine as well been the great pyramid of Cholula. I was almost there to the safety of my bedroom the room where no one would even peek in till late in the day. I used every muscle in my arms and pulled myself up one stair at a time holding my purse in my mouth and biting down on the handles like a piece of wood to keep from screaming out. 

Shelby Drinking Moms Wine

   Finally I made it to the top. I crawled past my parents room, trying to be as quite as possible so I wouldn’t wake up Shelby and have her blow all my hard work by her letting out one loud bark, that's all I needed. I reached up and opened the door to my bedroom. Aw home. I made it I was in my room, I was still in pain and searching for pain killers or Tylenol with no luck but I made it. Finally I crawled into my bed fully clothed  and still wearing one boot but I was home and in my bed. I laid in my bed hoping that I would fall asleep and wake up with all these last few hours being a dream. But that didn’t happen. I couldn’t sleep at all, My ankle was killing me and sleep wasn’t going to happen. I contemplated what to do. It was around 5 a.m now, and i knew chances were my dad was awake laying in bed letting time pass before he got up exciting Shelby and waking up everyone in the house. I watched the minutes go by on my clock debating going into my parents room, wondering if my dad was in fact awake, wondering how much trouble I was going to be in. I laid still and quite trying to see if I could hear my mom still snoring. I knew if she was still asleep I could get in and talk to my dad probably without waking her up. But did I want to take the chance of waking up my mom. Answer… Hell NO!!!!

Ouch!

 So I laid in my bed waiting to hear any sound of movement from my parents bedroom. Finally the sun was starting to come up, It was my savior. I couldn’t take it much more my ankle was huge and it was really starting to throb, so back on all fours I went  and I started the crawl from my bedroom to my parents. I reached the door made a first and lightly knocked on the door to my parents bedroom. 

Knock, Knock, Knock…

#31

A little Cinco de mayo history...

Literally "the Fifth of May," Cinco de Mayo is a Mexican Holiday celebrating the Battle of Puebla Battle, which took place on May 5, 1862. In 1861, France sent a massive army to invade Mexico, as they wanted to collect on some war debts. ( Damn debt collectors, they’re relentless). The French army was much larger, better trained and equipped than the Mexicans struggling to defend the road to Mexico City. It rolled through Mexico until it reached Puebla, where the Mexicans made a valiant stand, and, against all logic, won a huge victory. It was short-lived, as the French army regrouped and continued; eventually taking Mexico City, but the euphoria of an unlikely victory against overwhelming odds is remembered every May fifth.

So now that you know the history behind Cinco de mayo, let’s talk about my Cinco De Mayos. My favorite memory of this special day, Was a few years ago when I had just moved to Hawaii. My parents were down visiting and we had heard a rumor about there being a huge celebration downtown Waikiki, and the best part, there was a massive chihuahua parade.

   So my parents Dan and I were off in search off 100s of Mexican chihuahua parading down the street. Being new to the island we wern't exactly sure where to go so we wondered the hot streets trying to hear a mariachi band.  Now let’s remember what I looked like when I left for Hawaii. I was a Bigger girl and wondering around looking for a dog that resembled a sexy rat wasn’t something I was really into. But we searched and searched and never found the celebration, What were the Frescura’s to do … Well somehow my mothers internal GPS landed us at the Ala moana center… A huge  shopping mall down the street from my apartment. That’s right, it’s real shocking that my mother found shopping and booze!!!!!We celebrated in our own way with shopping, margaritas and dinner at Bubba gimp shrimp restaurant. Where my mother the idiot savant got every trivia question in the restaurant right and then asked if she gets a prize?! Yeah the prize is, you sit here and people bring you food and then you get to pay for the food… Congratulations!!! 

   HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO

 

#32

YOUR ADVICE IS NEEDED!

  I realized that I'm getting older, I'm not happy about it but I'm dealing with it the best I can. With age comes wisdom, I'm not that old that i can say I'm wise but I am old enough to learn that your mothers advice is usually right, and that the generations before you are there to help and guide you along the way.

   As I'm aging things that I have always been against are becoming something that I can't wait for. Having kids is something I have always said I don't want. But It's true there is a material clock and everyday it ticks louder and louder. Getting married has never been that important to me, I loved my sister's wedding it was gorgeous, fun and perfect but I felt let down the next day, like all that work just for one day. It didn't seem like something I wanted. I had decided on running off to Italy with close friends and family and getting married one day throughout the week. Whatever day everyone was tired of seeing tourist spots. I was never the little girl playing pretend in the backyard of what my wedding was going to be.

   But just like the baby thing, getting married and having a great wedding has become important to me. The more I look though wedding magazines and online sites the more I want and the more I want things my way on that day. The more excited I get for my bridal shower, not for the gifts but to see everyone and play actual fun games and just have a good time with all the women in my life who have supported me and cared for me though out the years. I get excited for my bachelorette party, not that I want to go out bar hopping with penis straws but to take off for a weekend with the women in my life, family friends aunts honorary aunts cousins, the women in my life who have helped me get to the alter, somewhere i never thought i would be.

   The more and more I think about my wedding the more I want to get married on New Years. A new years wedding is something my sister recommended, An idea I have fallen in love with. New Years is already a great party and my wedding can be all about the bling! My sister and I usually don't agree on too much and don't get along so well, we have a relationship more like Tom and Jerry then sisters. But once i mentioned my wedding to her she really stepped up. Giving me ideas and telling me she would go wedding dress shopping with me and to the designers and so on and so on because my mom is quite busy these days with the building of her house. (I'm not dissing my mom by any means).

  I know that I'm lucky and if i showed up in Windsor with a box of unassembled invitations and a case of wine, my wedding invitations would be ready to go out that Monday. The address might be a little slanted or messy as the night goes on and the wine disappears, but they would be done! I have great people in my life who I know are there for me and are all too happy to help getting me down the isle.



   The big question is... IS THERE ENOUGH TIME TO PLAN MY WEDDING BY NEW YEARS EVE? It has to be this new years, This new years is on on a Monday so it gives people the weekend off to travel in case of bad weather. It also makes my wedding feel like it`s on a long weekend.
I look forward to any and all advice. Thanks Ladies :)