#29

POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER

 

   The other night Dan and I were at Costco returning some dog food that had been recalled. Props to the fine men and women and Costco for being on top of it and calling to let us know we had purchased a bad bag of dog food. Anyways As I was paying for our things Dan was waiting in line to get his $1.99 hot dog and soda. Dan walked over to me looking like a waiter on his first day, caring his large soda, hot dog and a poutine. We started our long walk though the parking lot towards our car, finally finding it in row Q 34. We loaded our things in the trunk and Dan went to return the cart, telling me “here watch my food” as he put it on the roof of the car. I’m not sure if you know Dan but I have always said that if Dan was a dog he would be put down for food aggression. 

   I took a sip of the soda, mmm diet coke no ice my favorite (tip: the pop machines are refrigerated, so your pop is already cold, the ice is just taking up room that could be filled yummy diet coke instead.) As I basked in the sunshine I was in my own little world, totally oblivious to anything around me, I didn’t even notice the car sitting idle with their turn single on waiting to take my parting spot. 

   I had one more sip of the pop and bent over to put it in the cup holder in the car. And that’s when it happened. A massive gang of seagulls swarmed over my car, squawking and telling their buddies the food was over here and unprotected. I stood up and tried to defend Dan’s hot dog and fries but I just couldn’t. I ducked inside the car and held my hands over my head yelling “I hate bird awwwww!!!” I couldn’t move my feet were like cement, my heart was pounding and I could hear the blood rushing past my ears towards my head.

   I was instantly transformed to a younger age, a simpler time. I was sitting at table at sea world enjoying dinner with my family, relaxing after a long day of walking. Sitting at the picnic table kicking my legs back and forth humming as I enjoyed my yummy French fries salt no ketchup please. A organized gang had spotted me as there victim. They were out to get me, there was no going back, This gang was well known and the government had even sided with them and put a no kill band on this gang. 

   I sat totally unknowing what was about to happen, oblivious to the fact that I was their next victim. In a blink of an eye, a gang of seagulls (not a good flock seagulls from the 80s rock band)

 real seagulls. Had swooped down and were at war for my French fries. I waved my arms and tried to be tough but there was nothing I could do against these organized crime members. They went in for the kill squawking which sounded like “mine, mine” “mine mine” it was terrifying before I knew it, they had picked up the box of French fries and they were out of there. I was left dinner less and terrified.

   I snapped back to reality just in time to see Dan running across the parking lot in slow motion yelling “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!!!!!!!!!!” All he needed were some army fatigues  and it would have been a scene out of Rambo. Finally my night in shining armor was there to protect me from this gang. He was swinging his arms and fighting off birds, yelling at them to shoo. Then he turned on me yelling “What were you doing they were going to eat my food.” So much for MY night in shining armor, he wasn’t running to protect me, he was running and screaming though the Costco parking lot like a lunatic to protect his precious hot dog and fries.

So much for chivalry.