Saturday, 6 August 2011



I will now tell you a sad story, a story that is gruesome, horrific and grim but all true. For those of you with a weak stomach you might want to skip this blog entry, for the rest of you this story begins on a seemingly peaceful day in July. The sun was shining there was a light breeze in the air and it was hot, not your normal kind of hot this was the work of the devil. We were in the middle of a heat wave and the humidity was 100% it was the kind of day you could literally fry an egg on the sidewalk. We were all parched and waiting for some sort of relief, a strong breeze, a light rain, anything. I was sitting on the back porch of the Masciotra's home dressed in a black suit with a white collared  button down blouse. I was almost certain dehydration was in my near feature i was starting to hallucinate seeing deer walking though the backyards of the neighbours. Just when i thought i was done for... Out came a tray of Pina Coladas, the prettiest Pina coladas you ever saw with little bendie straws in them and a cute umbrella to help the ice from melting. There was a god, and he was speaking though Bonnie:).

But this is only the start to this terrifying story. As i sat and drank my pina colada more and more kept coming and when they were all dried up out came the strawberry daiquiri's it was a free for all there was pina coladas going into the same cups as strawberry daiquiri's, and strawberry daiquiris going into the cups with pina coladas. It should have been my first sign that something wasn't right but lets face it, i was drunk by then.

  As i sat in my suit overheating and a whole lot drunk the devil sitting on my shoulder kept talking to me saying "Ashley i know you can hear me, and I know what you want. That pool is nice and cool just waiting for you to jump in and cool yourself). No i told that voice it wouldn't be right i didn't bring my bathing suit and my mother would be upset, not to mention I'm drunk. Your mother's not here he said(The way i had heard him say those exact words to me so many times before) and gave me a wink and your a strong swimmer you have your lifeguard badge you can do it". Just as he finished speaking to me, Bonnie handed me a bathing suit in my size as if it was meant to be. I don't remember getting changed or walking onto the pool deck but i remember walking by the people at the patio table. Bonnie, Aunt Carol, Jenna and Andrea all sat there looking confident that the pool would be refreshing and accepting of me.

I walked over to the ladder of the pool staring down into the deep blue depths of the pool (well all 5 feet deep of it) I placed a toe in MMmMmMMm refreshing i said, then another toe and then a whole foot. before i knew it i was standing on the ladder up to my knees enjoying the invigorating water. Looking down into the water i lost my nerve i just couldn't bare to get my hair wet and to be without any make up. Again the devil spoke to me he said "Homer can help you".

Homer can help me i thought, and that was the last of the good thinking for me. I pulled the Homer chair over to the ladder lining it up with where i think my bum should land, I could hear the ladies at the table saying something but when i asked they all stated "you can do it, your lined up perfectly." And here's where the real horror begins....

With the devil on my shoulder telling me i can do and not to worry. All i can think about are those fat ladies on America's funniest home videos you know the ones, who do something like this land badly and come up looking like a drowned rat. But never the less i took a leap of faith i let my shaky hands go of the ladder and jumped back on to the floating chair and ....


Just as fast as i was on the chair OH SHIT mumbled out of my mouth and in a split second i was going backwards over the back of the chair and doing backwards summer salts into the water while laughing. Now I'm in the water and totally disoriented from the somersaults and the booze and for some reason the thought of swimming to the top didn't cross my mind what did cross my mind was "man this is something my mom would do, why me?" and then i saw it .....
The a beautiful light at the end of a tunnel.

And then it went dark and i saw this sign flash before my eyes...


And couldn't help but laugh which underwater isn't a good idea. I felt like i was down there forever and wondering why none of the ladies at the table were jumping in to help me. The thought that i was going to die in the bottom of a five foot pool crossed my mind and then i thought Well at least I'm going out the way i want ...  making people laugh cause i was sure they were laughing.

At that moment, a stroke of genius hit... STAND UP.Just stand up that's all i had to do. I know i looked like a drowned rat coming up for air coughing and chocking trying to push the hair out of my face and removing my sunglasses that were half on my face. Hearing the laughter and seeing some of the girls on the floor literally rolling around laughing. It took me a few minutes to get the water from my lungs and to regain my composure. But my lesson here on number 50 is to not drink and swim even if one of the ladies says shes a certified lifeguard and has CPR training and every other training there is when it comes to the water. Because unless she can reach you without getting her hair and make up wet ... your shit out of luck ... Special thanks to aunt carol.

So that was number #50 I almost died!!!! If not in the real sense I at least almost died of embarrassment.

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